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[Aug. 16th, 2008,02:02 am] |
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Oi it's been a while......hm my bf and I have been dating for almost 4 months. He's in KS visiting his family but will be back in a week. I lurve him so much. :)
My friend and I were working on a screenplay and I finished it early yesterday morning. We already sent it off to a director who was interested in it. It was hella stressful. My friend doesn't know how to write scripts so I wrote 99% of it. I'd say 100%, but she brainstormed the plot with me, although I had to do dialogue, action, scenes, all that hard shit. You know. Anyways, it was stressful to the point where I'd cry when I'd look at it. My friend didn't understand. She just wanted me to throw something on paper and send it to her, but you can't do that. It was so frustrating, I cut myself and I hadn't done that for a couple months but I couldn't stand the stress. Plus, like I said, my bf is away so he won't see it. I miss cutting myself. I wish I had gone back and made it deeper, but I didn't bother and it's starting to heal. There are also some bruises on my leg from where I hit myself with a salt shaker. Seriously. Not even a glass one, the cardboard ones where the salt shaker is white and the pepper shaker is black and the bottoms are metal. They're like a buck at WinCo. You prolly know the ones I mean. Yeah.
Anyways, that's pretty much it. Still looking for work. And it's like 90 degrees and I'm so hot. Byeeee |
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[Jun. 18th, 2008,12:25 am] |
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I have been with my boyfriend Al for almost 2 months. Our anniversary is on the 19th! He even asked me if I knew what the 19th was, cause he remembered. OMG I am falling for him so hard. He is so kind and beautiful and sweet. It's strange to think I was once so in love with my ex, cause now I can't imaging being with him anymore :/
Since we've been together I've only cut a few times, and I don't feel depressed very often and almost never have suicidal thoughts. At one point I even told him I have depression because I had gotten into a "mood", like sulky basically, and he was just concerned. I thought he would freak but he didn't. Thank you God for bring Al into my life! |
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[Apr. 2nd, 2008,04:50 pm] |
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Got this from some girl on Subeta:
Soundtrack of My life
Opening credits:
What Becomes of the Broken Hearted - Jimmy Ruffin
Waking up:
Bennie and the Jets - Elton John
First day at school:
Top of the World - Dixie Chicks
Falling in love:
La Resistance - South Park: Bigger Longer and Uncut (Yeah I have the soundtrack on my ipod)
Breaking up:
Heartbreaker - Mariah Carey
Prom:
Never Going Back - Fleetwood Mac
Life’s okay:
The Logical Song - Supertramp
Mental breakdown:
Drive - The Cars
Driving:
Fighter - Christina Aguilera
Flashback:
If I Could Turn Back Time - Cher
Getting back together:
I Kid - Triumph the Insult Comic Dog
Wedding:
My Immortal - Evanescence
Birth of child:
Eyes of a Child - South Park: Bigger Longer and Uncut
Final battle:
Operator - Jim Croce
Death scene:
Modern Day Bonnie and Clyde- Travis Tritt
Funeral song:
Take Me In Your Arms - Doobie Brothers
End credits:
The Boy in the Bubble - Paul Simon
Here’s how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, winamp, media player, iPod).
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press play.
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing.
5. New question– press the next button.
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend you’re cool.
It looks like I have the worst taste in music. :p |
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[Mar. 25th, 2008,09:09 pm] |
I sent the following letter to my ex:
( Read more... )
He called and he got my email and he said he was shocked by it...he said he is just busy with stuff so he didn't call or whatever. We talked for awhile and he says he isn't mad which I am thankful for. I hate how I felt like I really wanted to know what he wanted but then when we were talking I was all sorry and stuff. I just feel depressed. I feel desperate for him but I wouldn't tell him that. I hate being a burden to anyone. I want to just die. I am listening to Everybody Hurts by REM and it is kind of corny but it is making me cry a lot. I actually prayed to God last night to let me die which is so pathetic but it is what I want. I can't imagine anything beyond this point. There is no way I will ever have kids or a husband or a good job or success. There is no point to my life and all I want is for it to just end.
Oh darling I'm so lonely without you
Can't sleep at night always think about you
But if I had the chance to start all over
I would be wishing today on a four leaf clover
And leaving you would be the last thing on my mind
If I could turn back the hands of time
Oh darling I can't hold out much longer
The pain's getting deep and the hurt is getting stronger
But if I had just one more try
I would be yours alone until the day I die
And we would have a love so divine
If I could turn back the hands of time
Oh darling please, please let me come back home
Your love has been so good to me baby
And I just realized without it I can't go on
Cause you're the other half
That makes my life complete
If I had one more chance we'd have a love so sweet
And leaving you would be the last thing on my mind
If I could turn back the hands of time
Tyrone Davis |
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[Mar. 22nd, 2008,05:42 pm] |
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I made a bowl of top ramen but it's been sitting in the microwave for 15 minutes and is probably a bowl of mush now. I don't want to bother eating but I'm hungry and my blood sugar is low cause I'm hypoglycemic. I've only been awake for a few hours. I don't want to do anything at all. I'm so depressed it's so hard :((((((( |
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[Mar. 21st, 2008,10:54 pm] |
If you were or are a guy and you know a nice, pretty girl who is totally willing to put out whenever you want, would you ignore her or would you do everything you could to get to her and fuck her? That is me (the girl) and my ex is the guy. Don't tell me I am desperate and crazy I know it I feel it I hate it.
To my ex I love you I fucked up in your eyes and you are gone
I want to see you again bad, I thought you wanted to see me too
Don't play with me I really can't take it
I am going through serious depression
I lay awake at night crying and thinking about killing myself
I can't take it anymore
Don't fuck with me
If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that hurt you
And you'd stay
I don't know why I did the things I did
I don't know why I said the things I said
Pride's like a knife it can cut deep inside
Words are like weapons, they wound sometimes
I didn't really mean to hurt you
I didn't wanna see you go
I know I made you cry, but baby
If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that hurt you
And you'd stay
If I could reach the stars
I'd give them all to you
And you'd love me, love me, like you used to do
If I could turn back time
My world was shattered, I was torn apart
Like someone took a knife and drove it deep in my heart
When you walked out that door I swore that I didn't care
But I lost everything darlin then and there
Too strong to tell you I was sorry
Too proud to tell you I was wrong
I know I was blind, and darlin
If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that hurt you
and you'd stay
If I could reach the stars
I'd give them all to you
and you'd love me, love me, like you used to do
If I could turn back time
If I could turn back time
If I could turn back time
Oh baby
I didn't really mean to hurt you
I didn't wanna see you go
I know I made you cry, but oh
If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that hurt you
If I could reach the stars
I'd give them all to you
And you'd love me, love me, like you used to do
If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
And maybe, maybe, maybe you'd stay
-Cher
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[Mar. 17th, 2008,11:23 pm] |
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In my house the kitchen sink is broken, the dishwasher is broken, the hotwater heater is broken so we can't take showers, the floor in the other bathroom has rotted and is sunken, and the dryer is really backed up and it takes 10 cycles before clothes are dry. It's pathetic, I took a bath with water I boiled on the stove in poured into the dirty tub. Who cares though? I'm not seeing my ex this week because he has to work. I really am praying we will see each other next week. I want to see him so bad! It seems like it will never come but I am praying and knocking on wood that it does.
I cut. I don't care. I saw the saddest thing on Intervention tonight. A man was an alcoholic, and when he was a kid his stepdad beat him and his mom. His stepdad got taken away and he then adopted his younger brothers and raised then by himself. Then as an adult he started drinking, and even survived testicular cancer. He had the tumor removed but didn't get any radiation or chemo because he didn't think he needed any. He also didn't think he had a drinking problem even though he drank a lot straight vodka out of a cup every day and was suffering from cirrhosis of his liver and had huge bruises on his abdomen from it. Anyways after the intervention he went to treatment but left soon after and in the end I guess he got internal hemorrhaging or something caused by the cirrhosis and died. He was only 35 too. I cried so much I can't even say it I feel so bad for him and his family and that he didn't even think he had a problem even though it was so obvious he did.
I feel so down now and I was feeling pretty good before. I cut on the back of my wrist where I had cut a star before. It didn't hardly hurt at all. And I don't fucking care about not cutting, it doesn't matter one way or the other.
There is no pain, you are receding
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
I have become comfortably numb |
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[Mar. 15th, 2008,05:29 pm] |
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Guess what, my ex-boyfriend called me earlier today! I am so fucking happy cause he says he wants to get together maybe on Tuesday! And we had been text messaging for a lil while too! AAAHHHH I am sooo fucking excited to see him again! I had been thinking he was gonna come around to me again once he had gone without sex for long enough which I guess he has. I am pathetic but I am so butt fucking in love with him I am so happy. :) |
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[Mar. 6th, 2008,06:34 pm] |
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| | melancholy | ] |
I feel so depressed it was really hard to get through the night. No one ol cares, my family doesn't know...I think I need help but I don't have insurance. I want to go to a psychiatrist but I can't afford one. I want to be happy. I wish I was with my ex-boyfriend again. I was so happy when we were together. I hate being single and alone and fucking celibate or whatever--sexless. Everything makes me sad and makes me cry or want to cut. I know can't go see him with these disgusting cuts and scars on my arms but I want to see him again anyways and can't stop cutting because usually it does make me feel better. Last night I know I said it wasn't helping and that was true. I felt like I was losing my mind. Sigh.....I want to post a pic of my ex so everyone can see him and how sexy he is, but I don't want to do it this entry.
Also, my dad saw one of my cuts today when we were looking at a for sale car. Last night I cut a star on my right wrist on the top side and he saw it. He rolled his eyes, I guess he didn't think it was a big deal cause it is like a star of david and we're Jews so. Or maybe he thought it was ink. I just said I thought it was pretty and that was that. I don't know what he would have done had he seen the "fuck" on my left arm which I went over again last night...
So are you gonna stand there
Are you gonna help me out
You need to be together now
I need you now
Do you think you can cope
You figured me out
I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken
Though Ive never spoken
I come undone
In this mad season
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[Mar. 6th, 2008,07:17 am] |
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I am so depressed I just wish I was dead I can't take anything anymore. I am cutting so much I can't stop. I fucked my arms up so bad but it only helps for awhile. I want to cut but they sting so much it seems nothing will make me feel better. Everything makes me cry. I can't take it. I hate feeling this way. |
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[Mar. 5th, 2008,05:54 pm] |
I don't like this site. I hate feeling like I'm alone and I feel like that here. Of course, it's about a million times better than scribbld, contrary to a previous post I made. There are very few communities, at least very few that I would be interested in joining, or interested at all about. What am I gonna do, create 20 communities? Oh wait, they're called asylums here, I forgot. I think I'm gonna create a new one, although there aren't very many people here so who knows how many members it will get anyways. 5? 10? If I'm lucky.
This is what was so nice about greatestjournal. It was smaller than livejournal so you didn't feel insignificant and not every great community idea was taken, but it wasn't so small/abandoned you felt like you were talking to yourself. And I thought everyone from gj came over here?
Shit well I guess I'm off to make another asylum, let's see how it goes. |
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[Mar. 4th, 2008,01:45 am] |
All right so I did take pics but I'm not going to post them here. Instead I'm just going to link to the entry I made in my lj if anyone wants to see. It explains it all.
Picssss |
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[Mar. 1st, 2008,04:23 pm] |
OK---let me explain what is going on w/ my mom so I can better describe what just happened. There were massive floods in NW Oregon where my mom lives, and her house was under 3 feet of water. That night she slept in her car on the closest hill because her house was under water. Pretty much everything was destroyed. FEMA only payed off around 25k dollars, and the house probably has 150k dollars in damage. My mom was forced to move from her house into her mom's place, which isn't a house but a very small apartment in an old folk's home type place. She has lived there for the past few months and is extremely depressed. The govnt is not going to pay any money, nor are they going to put up for an apartment for her. Insurance won't cover it. All the $$ she got came from what FEMA gave (not hardly anything).
So...my mom came down early this afternoon to my dad's house (Where my lil bro and I live). I was asleep because I had not fallen asleep until like 6am. I was woken up with the sound of my mom SCREAMING, so I stumbled out of bed to see my mom seriously GUN her fucking car out of our driveway, tearing up dirt and weeds as she went. She drove an hour and 45 minute drive back to her mom's house in just about an hour meaning she was fucking flying there. Apparently my dad had tried to talk to her about her situation but she was not having any of it and got upset. He says she flew off the handle and started throwing shit, including the remote which broke into pieces, and then she drove off with him chasing after her, pleading with her, clasped hands and all, to stay and apologizing. This is humiliating enough, now let me add our 70+ year old mailman who has been our mailman for 20 years was right by our house and would have seen everything.
When my mom reached her my grandma's house she packed up her shit and told my grandma "You won't be seeing me anymore" (what grandma told my dad) and is moving back into her delapidated house, which has NO DOORS, SUNKEN FLOORS, NO FURNITURE, NO HEAT, NO ELECTRICITY, NO WATER...
My dad and I are gonna drive up there now and try to talk to her. I have yet to see her place but my dad and bro have and they told me. I am worried for her, I know she is really depressed but I feel just useless and I don't know what to do. Plus I know she is hurting but she is taking her anger out on me when I see her and it's making me not want to be around her anymore. It feels hopeless.
Anyways, wish me luck and I will take pics with my cell and try to post them for you to see. |
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[Mar. 1st, 2008,03:29 am] |
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I just uploaded like 20 icons that I'm never gonna use, I just like to look at them. =) It's IJ's space I'm wasting and if they're ok with it, then I am. I'm so tired, right now I wish I could go to sleep but I can never turn my mind off, I lay in bed for 2 or 3 hours before I'm ever able to fall asleep. Sigh I think I may have insomnia but I'm not sure. I can't go to the doctor for a diagnosis or anything cause I don't have insurance anymore. Sicko was a good movie. I don't care if my posts are public. If there are trolls I will deal with them but I hate feeling alone and like no one reads my entries. That's where I stand. |
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[Mar. 1st, 2008,12:04 am] |
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Rabbit Rabbit |
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| LEAP DAY |
[Feb. 29th, 2008,12:30 am] |
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies
But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through
But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool
If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
by The Who not Limp Bizkit ok |
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[Feb. 23rd, 2008,10:14 pm] |
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How come no one sells just like plain razor blades separate from a razor? Tho I usually use scissors I wanted to try a razor so I went to a couple stores, but they only sell a whole razor. I ended up buying some bic razors at the Dollar Tree and took it apart and cut a couple times. I don't like how it feels though! It feels weird in my skin and I don't know how hard to press it. |
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[Feb. 8th, 2008,11:11 pm] |
Sometimes I just feel like the biggest fuckup and I just want to really hurt myself but I don't want to bother cutting myself and dealing with blood and pain. I feel like such a total loser and worse then pretty much anyone else on earth. Like when I think of actors I like, or tv shows I like, or singers I like I don't feel happy, I feel like, "God they are much better than me" and like if they died everyone would be sad but if I die who would care? No one would care if they knew I hurt myself but I want people to care about me but I'm just a waste. I dont' have kids and I"m not married and I don't have a job and I don't have many friends anymore so who would care if I died? No one would even notice but like 10 people and that's nothing at all. My life is so meaningless sometimes I just want to go to sleep and not wake up and not exist at all.
And then I keep having dreams about being with my ex and being pregnant w/ his baby and I want that so much. I really want to be with him and have a family with him. I think I should just go to his apartment and just hook up with him but I don't even know how he would react. I wish I would just GO there already but ........I don't know. I wish so much shit but nothing changes. I just waste another day of my pointless life. Does it make my parents happy to know that I'm alive and relatively healthy? Parents are supposed to be proud of their kids but don't they care that I'm just a nothing with nothing to exist for? I want to cut but I don't but I do. I don't want to work at cutting myself I want something really sharp that'll go through my skin really quickly. |
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[Jan. 30th, 2008,11:54 pm] |
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I cut my arms twice today w/ scissors. I then tried to scrape off an old scab with a razor and ended up cutting my wrist again. Haha I'm so stupid. |
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